TODAY IN HISTORY, May 1

Today in history, in 2004, that beast Smarty Jones & his jockey Stewart Elliot won the Kentucky Derby in his debut appearance and did it in an undefeated fashion for the first time in over 30 fuckin years. Sitting in a solid 4th place for a majority of the race, not too far up so you can’t see what develops but not so far back that you can’t catch up. Half mile in Lion Heart is just fuckin dusting them and continues to lead by a few into the 3/4 mile mark. But Mr. Jones comes popping into second place as Stewart eyes his lane and fuckin hits the boosters. Out of the last turn, Smarty seems to harness the energy from the other horses and cruises into a nose to nose (snout to snout? idk) battle royal. They dynamic duo wave to Lion Heart as they saunter by in the homestretch and go on to make history. What a horse. Now they probably sell your cum for thousands of dollars and make you fuck other horses for money like a prostitute. welcome o the good life. -( . )

*the race starts around 2:05*

There’s a bloody tampon walking around the Met Gala

Celebrities seem to wear whatever the fuck they want and call it “fashion”. Some outfits are more outlandish than others normally but when these big gala’s or award shows come around it’s a fuckin shit show. People end up wearing dresses with a mile of extra cloth that takes a dozen men to hold up and walk with and half the time you cant even tell they are wearing a fuckin dress. This year’s Met Gala was no exception:

giphy (2).gif Enter Katy Perry

holy shit, where do you even start?! I mean I know I’m not the most fashionable guy but I know this does not add up. She literally looks like a bloody tampon, I just dont know how else to explain it. And she’s got a fucking veil over her face and walking one step at a time like she’s about to gerring fucking married to Beetlejuice or something but dont worry, this is fashion. Whatever happened to a nice low cut dress where I cn see some clev?

Like come on, these are all gold Katy cleavage pics and now your gonna hit us with This?:

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Unbelievable… One of these celebs needs to step the fuck up and say enough with this bullshit. Go fuckin naked if you really want to make a statement or whatever the fuck this is supposed to accomplish. That’s it! next year everyone can go naked and donate the 50 square miles of cloth that would have been used for the ridiculous dresses and cloth some of the kids around the world that don’t even have a fuckin shirt. They can be rockin this stupid fuckin veil and a nice Falcons Super Bowl champions shirt. No one will think you’re a fuckin douche over there.

Get it together Hollywood -( . )

Nate Peterman is not an elite QB name

Nate Peterman, drafted by the Buffalo Bills in the 5th round, is being hailed as a steal that late. I hate judging a book by its cover ( or its title) but Nate Peterman sounds like a guy who could be doing my taxes not fighting for a starting spot in the NFL. ALERT: I haven’t actually watched much of his film, as I’m not a huge fan of Pitt or the state of Pennsylvania as a whole, but I have seen the video of him doing some crazy trick throws and if you haven’t its pretty cool.

Now don’t get me wrong, being able to toss a football 5 miles into a fuckin garbage can is cool and all but how the hell is that translating into on-field performance. Granted the bills receivers do look like trash sometimes but without a big D lineman coming to break your fuckin tibia it really doesn’t do that much for me. Also the fact that you could give me a camera with 24 hours and I might be able to hit like 85% of these shots makes it slightly less impressive. The Bills have notoriously been bad during draft time (S/O JP Losman) but with the firing of Worthless Whaley, it’s pretty evident he had no say in the picks this year. Fuckin a, maybe Peterman will be the second coming of Jim Kelly everyone thought his nephew was gonna be. But hey, Nate,  if it doesnt work out in the 716 you could always get traded and be wildly successful somewhere else. #billsmafia

ex. Marshawn Lynch, Willis McGahee, Chris Hogan, etc.

Paul Pierce is gone and I don’t really care

NBA– Paul Pierce’s 19-year NBA career came to an end at the final buzzer of the Los Angeles Clippers’ first round loss against the Utah Jazz. The 39-year-old forward had six points and three rebounds in 21 minutes for the Clippers. He averaged 11.1 minutes in the series.

Paul Pierce, “The Truth”, I have mixed feelings about you. On the one hand you were a fuckin monster as a part of the Celtics and I love to root against successful Boston franchises. Your a tricky MF with the ball and HOF no doubt…. but on the other hand. You were a pretty key ingredient in making that FUCKING PUMP FAKE FOUL thing an everyday move. One of my least favorite things about basketball by far, right up there no extra points for alley ops. So I do sincerely despise you for continuing and possibly starting that stupid fucking “move” actually no, that doesn’t even deserve to be called a move. And I also wish you moved on to a team that I could bear to watch rather than that  LA toenail clippers team.

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In all honesty though you’re a solidified legend and it was an honor to hate against you and the rest of the celtics all those years ago and you never made the Olympic team so that kinda sucks. Enjoy retirement and watch out for strippers.  -( . )

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50 cent throws shots like a boss. fact.

50

HNHH – On Sunday, 50 posted a meme of Donald Trump on a laptop with the Google Search caption: “appoint Ja Rule as secretary of festivals.” 50 then added his own commentary, writing, “Can’t do nothing right.”

This isn’t the first time 50 has taken to Instagram to post some disparaging memes. He’s previously used the platform to tease Rick Ross and Meek Mill, sometimes going overboard with five or more posts in a row. We’ve seen 50 Cent and Ja Rule go back and forth not too long ago, but something tells us Ja may just chalk this one up as a loss. However, he does have 2018’s festival to make up for the disaster. For now, he’s concentrated on getting attendees their refunds.

Let me preface my this by saying that I am a huge fan of 50 and grew up drinking shit vodka to In Da Club thinking I was thuggin. As a white kid in suburban middle America I was certainly not but fuck, having Slim Shady in the game made anything possible in my eyes. So granted this post is gonna be biased but fuck it, it’s the truth! 

50 is making a come back to the rap game ( free plug for the Romeo & Juliet track with Chris Brown, it’s a knockout) and has been consistently calling out rappers that get on his bad side for years. He literally makes full fuckin videos on his website and just bashes people (cc. rozay) he is as ruthless as ever and to give him fuel like this… shame on you Ja Rule. 50 with such subtlety drop this gem on his insta and just roasts him like a plump Thanksgiving turkey. I already know he’s just sittin back laughing like a P.I.M.P. and plot his rise back to the top.

But this festival was a fucking disaster and one could easily mash the videos of it to look like a disaster relief internment camp. And now he plans to have another one next year to make up for this chaos?! Oh fuck, you can count me in, get me a vip ticket (like $6k probably which is  absurd) and I’m coming strapped to the teeth. Little fuckin stripper pistols on my ankles, 44 akimbo magnums, pump action mossberg slung around the back and knives stashed everywhere on me. Imma see if Tiger will let be borrow those pocket infested cargos he owns and we can get this thing goin. Ill see you ya there and may the odds be ever in your favor.   -( . )

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Started from the Bottom

As you entered this world you nuzzled up to your momma’s supple breasts and you sucked with all your might to get that milk, that fuel, that helped you grow into the strapping fucking lad I’m sure you are. And now with Straight From The Tit we hope to fuel your day with posts that make you wait till the last second to close your screen as your Lumberg strolls by the ol’ cube.

-( . )

straightfromthetit